Ok I am better LOL

Well.. I have not weighed myself since that last disasters. I feel much better. I have had my ups and downs but I have to admit I have had more ups than downs. I hid my scale in the bathroom closet so I am not tempted. I have not been terribly great at eating consciously, but I have not stuffed myself. I do put my fork down between each bite and eat slower. I just don't pay attention to each bite that I am eating.

I have been way more active. Now not as active as an active person is, but way more active than I have been in the past. Typically in the past I would drive my car from one parking lot in the college to another instead of walking. Today I left my car in the first parking lot and walked. I felt really good about it. I feel more energized.

I decided today - as I prepare myself for the weigh in - how am I going to deal with a very small weight loss or possibly no weight loss. Well I figure.. I might not be happy but what will I do? Its not like I can go off of this. I can already eat anything I want.

McKenna says if you feel hunger pains it is working. I have noticed over the last couple of weeks I have actually felt the rumblings in my tummy. I have not been eating because it is "time" to eat or because there is yummy food in the fridge. I have been eating when I am hungry. I have not had a Coke since the first weekend I started this. I feel great about that and know that is definitely doing me good and should help with my weight loss. I don't feel the weight loss .. unfortunately I am so very fat that losing 5-10 lbs is not very noticeable on me.

We will see if I weigh myself on the 31st. I feel good enough that I don't want to be disappointed by small weight loss.

On the days I have to get up at a certain time I get up a half hour early and listen to one of the subliminals. I figure they will help me "awake and feel refreshed" and it seems to work.

Positive things:

• I feel more energetic
• I am being more active
• I am not drinking Coke
• I feel happier
• I have not weighed myself
• I drink more water
• I eat when I am hungry
• I feel hunger rumblings
• I eat fruit

So no matter what the scale says I have benefited from this process and plan to continue with it.

I love my kids, I love my grandson, and I love me!!

UG!!

Ok I KNEW I shouldnt have done it but I was feeling desperate and all it did was make me pissy. I weighed myself. I was feeling bloated and ugly and I thought maybe I will weigh myself and that will make me feel better.. well fuck! I knew I was holding water.. so why did I do that? Anyways.. I listened to two of the subliminals today.

I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Went with my son and watched him eat Jack in the Box but didn't eat any myself. I had left over Winger's for lunch. 2 small slices of frozen pizza for dinner and before that a glass of Ritz crackers and milk for a snack. I was hungry each time but I will admit I ate semi consciously.

I tried to increase my water intake and have been taking some fiber pills. Maybe that's what is causing my bloatiness?

Oh well .. tomorrow will be a better day.

I love my kids, I love my grandson and I love me!!

Do I really have to like what I look like?

My biggest struggle is accepting the me in the mirror. Forever I have been looking in the mirror but not really seeing me. Just like in my photos I look in my mirror the same way. I look at an angle that makes me look better. Today I took a good look at myself. Yea .. I kept telling myself I accept myself. Hoping upon hope that I would actually start believing it .. but what it really did was made me depressed.

Going to class, the first building I go to the whole bottom floor is encased in mirrored glass. So as I am approaching the building I see myself.. the only thing that makes me get through those doors is to think that they are somehow like the carnival glass and is really warping what I really look like. UG!! The problem is I see that same person in my full length mirror in my home. How the hell did that happen???

I am really struggling with the scale. After looking at myself in the mirror and actually seeing the "fat" me I am feeling desperate to try the scale to see if this is really working. So far I have been strong and not weighed myself for a few days now.

I have made progress in other ways. Last night I was hungry and it was late at night. McKenna says eat when you are hungry no matter the time so I did. But get this.. I ate a banana. Yep.. me.. I actually ate a piece of fruit and it really tasted good and I was satisfied.

This morning I woke up a half hour earlier so that I could listen to CD 2. I figured you are suppose to be sleepy when you listen to it and at the end you wake up refreshed. I didnt get up as energized as yesterday but I was still good. After the CD was done I noticed I was hungry. I usually don't eat before school so this was an odd feeling but McKenna says feeling hungry means this is working .. my metabolism is running.. woo hoo right?? I freakin hope so.

Ate breakfast of the last of the sausage gravy and biscuits. Only had one biscuit this morning. When I originally made it I ate 3 biscuits, the next time after listening to CD I ate 2 but this morning only 1 so I call that progress. I ate it consciously.

I thought I was running late and thought I was going to have to park closer and skip my "extra" steps but as it happened someone was watching out for me and encouraging me as I made lights that I have never made before .. it was quite strange .. as I have traveled that same path millions of times and have never made both lights at the same time. So I had the time to park at the end of the parking lot.. ok well it was the end of the row .. but still a lot further than I would normally have parked.. so progress.

I went to Durangos for lunch and had a small steak salad .. can ya same yummmmy.. I ate half of it. I ate it pretty consciously as my son was with me and we talked a bunch during lunch but I did set my fork down between bites. I also parked a distance away. My son was completely surprised when he saw where I parked.

Now for the interesting part and BIG progress. After lunch I wanted something sweet like you can't imagine. I would have taken a lollipop from a baby if I could have found one. I passed by an ice cream store but nothing small. I thought ok if I just make it home I will find something. It was almost an obsessive thought process. So even though you are not suppose to do this, I did the tapping technique McKenna teaches for addictions. My desire for sweets was sooooo strong and this hadn't really worked for me before I didn't really think it would work this time either but holy cow .. it did. The desire went away really fast. By the time I got home.. only 5 mins later I had completely forgotten that I wanted a sweet.

Then I came to a dilemma. I was going to the class my guy teaches at 6:00. I knew I was about to get hungry. What to do.. eat when I wasn't hungry or suffer through and wait til after. Solution. I took a package of my fav cheese crackers with peanut butter. I snacked on that during class.. eating them semi consciously .. it satisfied me until after class. Did I mention I also parked even further from the door than earlier?

Now this would have been a big big NO NO for me and was really hard to mentally say it was ok. After class my guy and I went to dinner .. at .. Wingers of course as we had the buy one get one free coupon LOL .. but this time I got the all you can eat Wings and Fingers meal .. only because it was the same exact price and I figure what ever I dont eat I can take home. Man oh man was it good. AND they brought out so much food .. I have enough to eat for at least 2 more meals or 1 and let my boys have some.

Now McKenna says you will not be concentrating on food anymore but I do find that I am thinking about what and where and when I am going to eat. For instance, if I go to a mexican restaurant, I might as well order my meal to go as I ALWAYS get full on chips and salsa and bean dip before the meal arrives .. THEN I used to still try to eat the meal anyways. So thats my plan if I go to Mexican.

My guy has listened to the first 2 cds and has decided this is a great program as well and he wants to do it .. what fun.. now we will both be on the same page. So we got a coupon for a free dessert at Wingers but how to eat it. There is no chance of eating a meal there and not being full to eat dessert. I would go into a complete blood sugar high if I tried to eat only the dessert. So what we decided is that we can go there for lunch and split a lunch which typically is smaller than a dinner and then get the dessert then.

Also I have been drinking only water with meals so that I don't get that fake full feeling from being full of the drink AND it has been saving tons of money.

So I feel good about taking the extra steps today. I feel good about making conscious decisions about my food. And I am glad that I have someone else who is supporting me in this.

I love my kids, I love my grandson and I love me!!

Energized

Well last night I didn't do much more than create this blog and another one on dating profiles then went to bed. I did however get emotional last night because when McKenna asks us to imagine the person who loves you and accepts you the way you are is standing in front of you .. I always imagine my daughter Chèrie. I feel that she absolutely loves me unconditionally no matter how fat I am. I thought I should share that with her so that she knows how I feel and of course we both starting crying and hugging LOL

Today, however, I woke up at 8 a.m. which is unusual for me .. 9 if i have to but prefer 10 or so. I got up because I had not listened to the first CD of the series and I was looking forward to it. So I figured I could lay down in bed and listen to it. WOW .. I felt so energized after I listened to it.

As soon as the CD was over I went and got a bowl of Frosted Flakes (I love the "eat anything you want") No way would I thought eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes on any diet. I ate the first half of the bowl consciously but I am struggled with eating the whole thing consciously, but I was full when I was done with the bowl instead of having it with peanut butter toast as would have been my normal breakfast before.

Because I was up and moving early, I was actually able to talk with the IRS agent handling my case today .. we have not been able to communicate as she didn't answer her phone after noon and I never was alive before noon before.

My son, Roberto, forgot his money so I had to pick him up and take him to Burger King. So here is a test. I wasn't hungry. I had some motivation as I was going to meet my guy for lunch at 1 so I knew I was going to eat something yummy for lunch, but I sat in the car with my son while he ate my fav BK sandwich the Original Chicken Sandwich. I was starting to feel hungry and thought about asking for a bite, but all I had to do was wait for a second and he had the whole thing gone so no worries. It did cross my mind that I really need to teach my kids how to eat consciously .. that whole sandwich was gone in a matter of a couple of minutes.

I came back from this still energized and made the phone calls I needed to get the paperwork for the IRS agent.. ug being audited is a bitch .. but I am pretty sure I will be getting everything I need in the mail in the next few days.

For lunch I went to Wingers again because yesterday I got a Buy One Get One coupon so I invited my guy to lunch .. my treat :) I had the exact same thing as I did yesterday... Sticky Fingers with a baked potato. OMG it was just as good as it was yesterday .. and the very cool thing is I didn't feel the least bit guilty for eating it. Because I ate when I was hungry, I ate what I wanted, I ate it consciously, and I stopped when I was full. I left 1/3 of the fingers and 1/3 of the potato on the plate... McKenna recommends this .. not the fraction part .. but to leave food on the plate until our bodies adjust to knowing when it is really full. I drank water. Now before I have been taught to not drink with the meal as the water dilutes the saliva which digests the food, so I dont drink a whole lot when I am eating so why even pay the 2-3 buck a drink costs??

We sat and talked for an hour later.. oh yes .. I forgot to mentioned that as part of the show McKenna recommends parking further away to get in an extra bit of activity so I parked as far away from the front door of Winger's as the parking lot would allow and walked .. it felt great .. I felt great and excited and energized!!

Came home did my homework, went to my photography class that my guy teaches, went to Starbucks .. it was late when we got to Starbucks .. I usually just get a tea, but I was hungry .. so guess what.. I ate .. I had an glazed old fashion donut .. wow .. how the hell can I possibly feel great about eating that?? I was hungry, I ate it consciously enjoying each bite.. hell yea I am totally enjoying this program!!

I do know that eventually I am going to start increasing the healthy food in my diet as sneaky McKenna put that in the hypnotherapy portion of the CD .. I heard it LOL but right now I am totally enjoying eating what I want. I feel more energized and McKenna says that is because my body is happy it is not worrying about being overfed and bloated or being starved.. when my body knows it is going to eat when its hungry and not overfed my metabolism is gonna get hot hence the energy. I talk to my guy about doing some more activities to get me moving and active and we have already talked about some hiking things we want to do AND he is going to listen to the CDs so we can be on the same page with this.

I AM SO ENERGIZED!!

Love Me!!

The beginning..

Ok one of the things he mentions in his show is to NOT weigh yourself but at the most of every two weeks but preferably once a month. Wow .. that seems impossible. I have started to incorporate the principles of the 4 golden rules, but I did weigh myself to see if there is any difference. Not yet .. now before I would absolutely get discouraged if I didn't lose any weight. But not today. It is my starting point.

I am not going to mention my weight yet, as even though I am not expecting anyone to read this, what if someone does. Yikes!! I did go as far as admitting how much I need to lose in my previous post so it is to say that I weigh alot.

My struggles:

One of the things he mentions in both CDs and shows is to accept yourself. Oh boy .. it is very hard to look in the mirror and say .. I see you and I accept you the way you are. I do know how to look in the mirror at certain angles so that I am happy with what I see. I take pictures the same way but with an added benefit of being able to photoshop the sides and bottom so I dont have to see that part either.

I have only been doing this for a couple of days and I have been doing pretty good. My biggest struggles were .. when we went camping on Saturday in Zions my kids' brought Coke. Now this was BEFORE I learned about the tapping so I do not feel bad about drinking it. I actually only had 3 cans the entire trip and I filled my water bottle up a few times and drank more water than coke. Fortunately, my kids forgot to get marshmallows and none felt like going to the store to get me some or I would have definitely ate some toasted over the camp fire because who ever heard of having a campfire withOUT marshmallows??

Last night I was invited to dinner and went to Outback. I ordered water and the crabcakes appetizer. I wasn't completely hungry .. I didn't hear the rumblings of the tummy but I don't feel bad as I did feel the start of being hungry. I ate all of the crab cakes and I didn't feel bad about that either as it was but a small portion of a full size dinner. I did get to work off the dinner with my dinner partner so I feel good about that too :)

Now later when I got home, I had some homework to do that I had forgotten about AND a test to take the next day that I had not studied for. My kids had invited 2 friends over .. my kids being my 3 teenage boys who live with me. Then about 11:30 p.m. my daughter and son-in-law came over with my grandson. I had 8 people plus the baby in my tiny two bedroom apartment.

Needless to say I got a little stressed with all of this and my son was eating some Oreo cookies which looked very good. I did the tapping method to try to get the craving to have some Oreos to go away. I eventually gave in to the craving and had 3 cookies. I don't feel terribly bad about eating those cookies as I was hungry AND I only ate 3 cookies. Before I would have eaten alot of cookies .. I can't even tell you how many as I would never count.. only eaten them until I was full of cookies.. 8.. maybe 9 .. even 10.. who knows.

Today I ate a package of 6 cheese crackers with peanut butter on them.. I love those.. the little orange crackers with peanut butter in the middle. I ate them on my way to class. Interestingly even though I ate them while I was driving I concentrated on eating them.. making each cracker sandwich last two bites and chewing each bite at least 20 times savoring the flavor. Today I only brought two packages with me instead of a normal of 3 packages and I only ate 1 package. Then I went to Wingers for lunch. I got the Sticky Finger lunch which came with 3 sticky fingers and a bake potato with the sour cream and chives toppings. When the food came I set down my book and ate consciously. I chewed my food and tasted it all. It was very good. One of the practices I am doing that McKenna suggested is to leave food on the plate.. this helps us to get used to not eating as much until we get better at recognizing the "I am full" signs our bodies give us. I left over half the potato and one of the sticky fingers. I drank water. I feel really good about this. I followed all the rules.

When I got home I had that same craving to eat sweets after my food has started to digest. I decided to have 3 oreos. I also decided to eat each one consciously. After I ate the second one I didnt want to eat the last one and left it.

Now my thought process this evening was .. how am I ever going to eat dessert again as dessert follows food and I eat food until I am full. Well I came up with a grand plan. I am going to stop eating before I feel full and have my dessert. So for dinner I ate leftover sausage gravy with 2 biscuits. When I was half way done with the bowl, I stopped. I then ate a 1" x 2" piece of the reeses bars my kids made last night. I actually sat at the table by myself and ate . I chewed each bite. I savored the biscuits and gravy as well as the reeses. Now I got all the food that I wanted and I ate until I was full. I had a couple of sips of milk with dinner. Now I am just drinking water.

My body feels sore and I know its because I have not been drinking enough water. Although I am drinking more water it is not enough to make my body feel better. I want to feel better because I want to get more active. I did two more loads of laundry which is some movement.

Here is a heavy pic of me. I haven't posted this pic anywhere as I did not like it as I looked very fat in it.. but hey.. guess what I am and I am accepting that! My grandson is the cutest. LOL I couldn't do it. I posted the pic of me and my grandson and took it down.. It really is a bad pic of me and I am not accepting I look like that.. oh well maybe another time.



I will post later how I did tonight.

I will be thin!! I can see myself thin. I will be happy and healthy and active.

Love Me!

I discover ..

Last week I accidentally came across the "I can make you thin" CDs by Paul McKenna. I listened to one of them and was sold. This is something that I can do. It helps that the second track is more of a hypnotic type track and reinforces what you have just learned in the first track.

I listened to the second CD but I am not sure I am listening to them in order. The principles to this system are:

1. Eat when you are hungry
2. Eat what you want
3. Eat consciously
   
4. When you think you are full, stop

Holy cow .. thats it?? I can totally do that!!

Oh wait.. eat when you are hungry.. well thats all the time!
Eat what I want.. hell yea .. cookies .. ice cream .. cake .. bread .. butter .. yummy!!
Eat consciously??? what the hell is that??
Stop when I'm full.. well I'm not full yet .. I don't feel like puking.

So I listen to some more of the CD and I download his TV show he did in the UK .. four episodes of I Can Make You Thin.

Oh I see, I think to myself. Eat when you are actually physically hungry. When you have that grumbling sounds in your tummy. What a novel idea. I eat when I am bored, when someone asks me to, when there is something yummy in the fridge, when I am expected to, when I think its the right time to be hungry, or for any other reason

And apparently there is the other sensation that you are suppose to have that says you are full and its NOT when the plate is empty and you feel like puking your guts because you ate WAY WAY too much.

Now I see .. eat consciously .. don't do anything else while you are eating. wow.. now that is a hard one. I typically eat while I am reading my book or watching something .. the only other way I eat is if I am with someone else eating and talking to them. So now I am suppose to take a bite and put down my utensils and chew my food. Actually this part isn't too hard for me as I tend to eat slow anyways. The challenging part of this will definitely be not doing anything else while I am eating.

Now the only one I won't have to adjust to is the "eat anything I want". He even goes so far as to suggest we throw out anything that we have that we bought because "it is suppose to be good for us but we dont really like it" food.

In the show I think it was episode 2 of 4, he taught how to do a tapping method to get rid of cravings of things we do not want to eat but have cravings for. For me that would be Coke. Holy cow do I love to drink Coke. I know that Coke is not good for me as the carbonation makes me dehydrated and the sugar is bad for my system. The other item was craving sweets when I am not hungry.

Now I will admit that I attended a hypnosis seminar about 14 years ago for weight loss. I was a total disbeliever. Amazingly it made a huge difference for me and I can say that I eat slow today because of what I learned through that seminar. Unfortunately I did not buy the cassette that reaffirmed the principles so I gradually went back to old habits.

With that knowledge, I am going to listen to the CDs at least track 2 of the CDs that will help me reprogram my thinking so that I think like a thin person.

I do have a hefty goal. I want to lose a lot of weight. Before when I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars if not thousands on diets and fat doctors, my goals were always well if I just get down to below a certain amount I will be satisfied.. even with my loftiest goals I never thought about getting below 150 lbs. When I lose that hefty amount I will be at a perfect weight. Good Luck Me!!